1999: My Brave New World at 30
I half-woke on a November morning in 1999. The utterly clear thought went through my body, “I’M NOT HAPPY.” I knew instantly that it was true on the deepest level of my being. I immediately responded, “Why?” The answer came just as quick, just as clear, “I CAN NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOD.” True. It was true! What?!
There was no hiding. I quickly came to realize I had to make a choice that very day. I was either going to choose to accept myself exactly as I was from here on out–which I knew was not good enough for God (as I believed then)–or I was going to choose God and live the rest of my life never being enough and never accepting who I was. Me…or Him?
But I knew. By the end of that day, something deep inside me chose me. My entire world changed that day. I left the paradigm I’d grown up with, the beliefs that tied me to my family and my community, and most of all, I walked away from what I believed God was.
The beautiful irony is that I’d instinctually ended the spiritual emotional blackmail I’d grown up with. As I loved and accepted myself as I was, I came to know my true connection to the divine. I chose me, and it turns out that was also choosing god.
The truth sets us free. What did I really know? It was simple: Practicing unconditioned love, having no guilt, and making no judgment. That’s it. Consciousness began breaking open in me and I began to lead myself from that inner intuition and connection to a deeper truth we all know and feel.
Years later, one client in speaking to his own dilemma on participating in his faith, said, “You’re so good! You do all the same things we’re taught to do, but you do them because you want to—because they’re naturally a part of you—not because you’re trying to be good enough.”
Yes. That’s the point 😉