Do I focus more on what I want? Or primarily on my responsibilities?

My client is amazing.  And I mean that in a national headlines sort of way.  So it was very telling when we got clear about how she focuses.  I asked her, “Do you want to focus more on what you want, or do you want to primarily focus on your responsibilities?

It’s a good question for me, and for all of us, isn’t it.  We tend to hyper focus on our responsibilities every day, handling the ever-long list of things to be done.  

We consider others’ feelings and make decisions around them.  We try to figure out what will work for everyone else… forgetting to take what works for us into account to the same–or greater–degree.

We’ve made it a habit to focus on our responsibilities.  That’s not bad, right?

But what about when it encroaches on what we want?  What happens when our uber-responsible selves focus on responsibilities to the detriment of moving toward what really matters most to us in this moment?  Taking action toward what we want?  Thinking more of the time about what we want–instead of mostly thinking of all the ‘considerations’?

It’s strange when I put it into words, that it sounds a bit selfish.  Very strange indeed.  Because, I know I am the one responsible for my life, not anybody else.  So if I’m not handling the responsibility to think about, move toward and take action on what I want… Who will?

Is that selfish?

I don’t think so.

Rather, it feels like a shift in priorities.  Ahhh… That’s it!

How did our good intentions of being a responsible person get taken over by obligation, guilt, and fear?  How did I go from living my life to living my life for everything and everyone else?

Most of us do this.  It’s not rocket science.  

But maybe we should consider balancing that pendulum swing.  Maybe we should practice becoming more conscious of what we want–and stepping up to that.  Just for us.

Is it selfish to want more time with loved ones instead of working constantly?

Is it selfish to want time to myself?  It shouldn’t be!  Have I made having time to myself something I feel guilty about?  Why?!  Why would I do that?

Is it selfish to want more from my life than just working all the time?

Or is it selfish to pursue my career goals that matter so very much to me, without feeling guilty for my ambition and discipline?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t check our priorities too.  We absolutely should check in with our heart, our gut and our loved ones to make sure we are staying aligned to what matters most to us.  

But at the same time, I think it bears mentioning that we should do a gut-check on how conscious we are of what we most want in our life right now.  And then to give ample attention to it in order to live a life that really matters to us for the time we’ve spent.

I remember when the second house I tried to buy didn’t work out (wasn’t meant to be), and I had no clear direction at that point.  

My only spark inside was to head to France to study French for a bit.  Even though travel for me is a way of life, still, I hesitated a lot!  It seemed like so many unknowns to actually go after what I wanted.  And how was it going to further my business to study French?…  It wasn’t.  It was just for me.  So how could I justify THAT?!

Add to that, I truthfully had wanted to study French in France for decades.  So when I got on the overnight flight from JFK to Paris on New Years Eve 2019, I was pretty excited, sure.  But I was also having this internal dialogue with myself, saying, “WTF, Carmell?!!  This feels so totally… …irresponsible?…!”  Er– well, yes.  

Still, I went.  

I was so incredibly happy living for two months in Aix en Provence when I had been struggling for months before that, trying to find what I was “supposed” to do since the house-thing wasn’t working out.  

What I had really been trying to figure out was the ‘responsible’ thing I was supposed to do, instead of listening to what I really wanted inside.

We are wise, my friends.  We are so wise.  Life is not only about work.  It’s not only about our daily workouts, our bank accounts, our families, our success, etc.  Life is not about one thing.  It is about us living the most intentionally and truthfully that we possibly can right now.  

And that starts by listening to what we want. 

The New Year is upon us.  Do you know what you want?

Love. Why I hesitate to talk ‘about’ it, and why it’s the #1 emoji I send ❤️

It’s the cliché.  I can’t do it.  I’m not a “hearts and flowers” kind of person, yet the red heart emoji is the #1 emoji I send.  What’s that about?

I don’t say “love you,” very often because it’s too casually non-specific.  And if I’m going to convey that emotion, I feel pretty strongly that I need to be responsible for it.  

So I say most often, “I love you,” instead of just “love you.”

Yet… the laissez faire treatment of love is everywhere.  We tend to skate over moments for deeper connection, to pretend not to see the stranger passing us on the street or in the grocery aisle.

We treat those closest to us with expectation more than appreciation.  And we don’t even realize we’re doing this.  

We choose to be laid-back and observing instead of open and intentional, interested and affectionate.

What is wrong with showing love to people?

Can’t we figure out our own unique way to not only say the right thing, but to reach them with our meaning?  To connect with their hearts–even for a brief moment?

It was Memorial Day when I was 14 years old.  My mom was taking us to the cemetery outside the city, flags lining the manicured drives, petunias, geraniums and marigolds in abundance.  

She wanted us as unthinking kids to connect with what Memorial Day really meant.  The observance of others who have passed in service to our country.  And the observance of all loved ones–our own families and others–who have passed as well.  

We parked and got out.  My younger siblings took off toward the swan pond, eager to see if the eggs had hatched from the swan nest.  I began wandering through the different fields of graves, watching the people who were placing flowers or flags in careful devotion.  It didn’t occur to me until later that they were mostly older.

And then over a small rise, as I was making my own way toward the swan pond, I saw the woman.  She couldn’t have been more than 30 years old.  She was kneeling, bent in half over a grave, sobbing.  I was caught– stunned and mute.  My heart felt her flood of grief in an instant, heavy and unstopping.  I found my own eyes suddenly brimming, my heart barely able to watch her pain.  I can feel her still to this day as I write the words.

It was then that I noticed the toddler wobbling his way around the gravestones near her.  He was unaware of his young mother’s heartache, playfully exploring in the spring grass and the warm sun as the waves of her cries carried across the air, unquenchable.

I stood rooted to the spot.  I couldn’t look away from her.  I knew I couldn’t pass her casually by in all of her grief, to go down and see the swans.  I wondered, at 14 years old, if it was appropriate for me to go to her and put my hand on her heaving back.

I stood there for a long time.  At the very least I witnessed her, my own heart broken entirely in two as I stood, not ignoring or walking away.  Her crying continued without lessening.  And yet I knew I wasn’t trusting myself as a ridiculous young kid to go up to her and cry with her.

I have thankfully had many unexpected moments since where I listened to my heart instead of to my head.  I have held strangers and loved ones alike in sorrow, in joy, in frustration, in anger, in fear, in celebration.  

And all of it has been love.  Every ounce.  Every breath.

We get this one single moment.  Just this one, right now.  And then we get the next.  And it is no small act to express sincere love.  To trust ourselves to do what our heart thrusts upon us.  –And to be so aware and aligned with our heart that we know unequivocally what it is nudging us to do.

I have found many ways to express love sincerely and appropriately in business relationships.  

I have found ways to love those who were not open to deeper connection–where I knew with utter certainty that they had received the gift regardless of whether they could meet me there.

I have worked very hard to love in healthy ways those who have wronged or injured me.  Not because I have to, but because it is my heart’s path to freedom for us both, each time.  That means freedom to love.

The love I feel is not passive.  Not ever.  Nor is it casual.  However I have come to this, I am very certain that the love in my heart is a massive continual river flowing to the ocean of our deepest connection with each other.  Like all waters taking their easiest course to the sea, my heart cannot do otherwise.

And so that is why the red heart ❤️ is the #1 emoji I send–while I simultaneously balk and cringe at clichés.  That is why I will never miss an opportunity to meet someone where they are.  Love is the sincerity behind my intensity as a person.  

My ways of love are my own.  I believe we all have our own ways.  Yet it is our greatest responsibility and gift to make sure in our own ways, that we are not half-assing our love.  

That we are not keeping ourselves partly held back because of fear of what others will think–Who Cares?!  

Or because we have been hurt.  Yes–and you and your heart are stronger than that hurt!

Or because we think so little of our own worth that we believe what we have to offer is not good enough, or is just not enough.  It is greater than you think.  You… are greater than you think.  

And when you extend your love sincerely without asking that it be validated, you will feel with total certainty how truly important you are.  Just like every other person.

That is the great secret.  Love gives to the giver and the receiver alike.  

It is a gift of grace that continues with a person whether they acknowledge it or not.  

It transcends all the ridiculous ways we separate ourselves as humans from one another.  

To truly love is our most radical act of life.

❤️, C

Self Care = Living a Life You LOVE Now

Recently in one of my groups, I asked them to think about and share their “Rules for Loving Myself.”  There were pauses, a few sheepish smiles, a few “Oh sh#@, I don’t even know where to start” looks, and one very perplexed face in the group.

As we dove into sharing our thoughts about what would make a rule for loving the self, it became clear that there is confusion around this idea.  It stems from the concept of self care.

Obviously how we define self care is very individual.  But I found that my people were conflating self care and their rules for loving themselves.  We don’t know differently.

As one of my uber-smart clients was sharing her very steady and practiced ways of taking care of herself such as getting massages, taking time for hot baths, reading for pleasure, fun time with her kids, and ballroom dancing, she also mentioned slowing down.

I paused her there.  I then walked through with her how she has a well-developed set of self-care practices that she regularly follows through with, and that’s fantastic!  But, I told her, they are not the rules of loving yourself.  This gave her pause.

As she stepped back from the self-care practices and considered the question again, she observed that her life was continually running.  A full schedule every day, always so many things to do, even her down-time had a plan.

She considered that what she felt she was always needing was to slow down.  To move through her hours in her day with more presence and awareness of her life.  “I guess I would say a rule for loving myself would be to slow my life down to be more present in experiencing it.”

Brilliant.

In a session with another client, I was trying to break through her ultra-type-A mindset regarding self-care.  In her case, she would self-care the hell out of herself in order to keep on her million-dollar schedule, keep her clients needing her, and stay crucially important to those she served.

As I kept trying to work through the problems in this approach to self-care, I suddenly blurted out, “Self care means living a life you absolutely love, right now!”

I stopped.  

That was it!  That was the true essence of self care.  It didn’t mean I couldn’t go at breakneck speed sometimes.  And yes, it might mean massages, lunch dates, time in nature, chocolate cake or bubble baths…  BUT, self-care was not those things.  

Self care meant showing up to my life straight-on to make it a life I loved, in all the ways, right now.  Loving my life now, was–is–loving myself now.  The point of self-care is to love myself.

How am I doing?  Am I loving myself?  Am I loving myself through this life I am living right now, today?  Not tomorrow or this week–just today.

And this brings me back to the Rules of Loving Myself.

What are those guides like precious guardrails on the side of my daily highway, that make sure I don’t head off on a well-intentioned side-road that ends up working against me?

Or put another way, what are those absolutes for loving me exactly as I am right now, that I must make sure are clear to me?  That are there informing my choices both large and small each day?

Ok, yes, Carmell, but could you give me some examples?

I’d be happy to.  Just remember that your rules for loving yourself can’t connect you to ‘my strength,’ they must connect you to your own strength inside.  They must feel powerful to you–not just sound powerful.

Some of mine are:

RULE #1 Nobody gets to have a negative opinion of me that is greater than my positive opinion of myself. 

RULE #2  I am perfect and whole exactly as I am. 

RULE #3  Everything is art. I must always be creating. 

​​RULE #4  My time is how I experience my consciousness–it is the most precious thing I have.  I give myself space in my daily life in order to consciously experience my time. 

But be aware, yours could go a completely different direction.  I came to my rules by coming to know myself.  

Who am I?  I am not my goals, my accomplishments, or my past.  I am not what others think or expect.  I am not my work or my family.  Who I am is not somebody’s partner or parent or child.  Nor am I my intelligence, my spiritual beliefs, my service to others, my philanthropy or my financial position.

So who am I?

It is my journey to answer this question that has brought me to the rules I’ve just shared and many more, that guide the precious highway of my life.

But I can give you a solid clue that will start you off with a bang.

Discover more and more of what you wholly and totally love in your life, and live it.  

Living a life that you deeply love every day will bring you more directly to know who you are inside yourself–the eclectic, unique, beautiful, brilliant funny, powerful soul that you are.

So instead of trying to do self-care, focus instead on discovering what you love–and live it consistently every day.  

Then ask what your own rules are for living this life that you love so much.  From those ideas, ask how they translate into the rules of loving yourself.

Write them down.  They matter very much.  Because you matter very much.

Don’t lose a moment more of your life to what you don’t love.

That is Self Care, indeed.

Building Connection, not Conflict in Holiday Gatherings

It’s the classic joke, isn’t it.  The relationship dramas that hit the headlines during holiday gatherings?

“There are some things we can change, and some we can’t,” we tell ourselves.  And even if we’re not the praying type, we send up our desperate appeals to all the gods that may be, that this time will be different, will be better.

Outside of actual divine intervention, I’m interested in what we ourselves can do to make our own experience better.  And perhaps even make it better for others.

One of my favorite mantras:  I can’t change others.  But I can change myself.  And if I change, everything changes.

Here’s my Top 10 List for Making Your Holiday Gathering the Best It Can Be!

  1. Give yourself the freedom to not go/not host.
    There’s nothing that undermines our happy place faster than feeling we have to do something we dread or hate.  By giving yourself permission to not go or not host, you have the opportunity to clean out your own emotional blackmailing of yourself, and to let go of what doesn’t work for you.  Then you are freed up to have and do what really brings you joy in your holiday!

    Don’t fill your precious time with “have-to’s!”  Plus, it’s always amazing how everyone else feels a sense of relief when we have the guts to go first, and pull out of the obligation we feel–no more emotional blackmail.

  2. Consider why you’re going/hosting, and only be authentic with yourself.
    If your going/hosting isn’t for reasons of your heart, consider not doing the event.  Or change your heart so you can be sincere and authentic with yourself.

    Even if it is good or important to go/host, you should never do it if you aren’t clear in your own heart about it.  So much drama happens when we do things we aren’t 100% authentic and sincere about.  So your choices are to pull out, or to work on that change of heart and motivation in order to get yourself fully sincere in what you’re going to do.  (See the rest of this list for help)

  3. If you feel you’re stuck with the gathering this late in the game, then don’t be a complainer– If you’re going to do it, Choose All-In.

    In other words:  Don’t be a damn victim crybaby.  I have a motto I put in place for myself many years ago.  If I am going to do something, it is 100% my choice.  Even if I hate it.  I have no one else to blame since it’s my choice.  The up-side of this is that I am never a victim of what I do or don’t do–because it’s my choice.  It is amazing how much better we can feel in nearly anysituation, when we know we made the choice ourselves.  If you’re going to do it, choose it!

  4. Process on your hot-button topics beforethe gathering.
    Are you telling negative stories or positive ones?  Are you setting yourself up for a Mt. Vesuvius-scale family eruption, or are you actively planning for fun and connection?  Though it’s not all in your hands (or on your shoulders, for that matter), you can figure out your own hot-button topics before the event.  Then do some serious processing work on them so they become more neutral to you.

    Ex:  If you know you’re going to get harassed about not being married, breaking up, taking a job, quitting college, etc, find your own clarity and sense of self about it first.  If you’re in a good place with yourself, it’s much harder for someone to make it into an issue!  Then figure out your calm phrase to neutralize whatever is thrown at you, like, “I keep proposing to people but then they find out about you guys, and I never hear from them again!”  Make it humorous if you can.

    On the subject, not taking ourselves so seriously, and making things funny is a fantastic way to travel smoothly through the rapids of any holiday gathering.

  5. Plan your topic detours ahead of time.
    Never talk politics or religion, right?  But then what do we talk about?  The time you spend figuring out how to direct the people you know into conversations you know they will enjoy and be invested in… IS. WORTH. EVERYTHING.  It becomes quickly evident to others when we are deeply interested in them–and we love this.  Try to find avenues of conversation that intersect your interests and theirs.  Find ways to build others up authentically and naturally in your conversations.  When people feel seen, understood and appreciated, they respond well.

    Even with people you agree with on the hot-button topics, discussing these topics doesn’t really engender deep connection in the precious time we spend, and usually ends up leaving us feeling empty.  Wouldn’t it be better to know someone more deeply because we asked about their lives, their past, what they dream about or wish for, what’s been hard for them (as we listen closely), what music they like, or movies/series they saw recently.  Being prepared with how to expertly direct the conversations to what make others feel connected and important is a game-winner!

  6. Let go of the outcomes.  I mean it.  LET GO!
    When you choose to go and you know it is your choice, then you have to let go of whatever the outcomes are from going.  It is amazing how much grief and drama are created because we walk into intimate gatherings with hidden expectations.  When those expectations aren’t met, we begin to have negative feelings of different kinds.  It can be the difference between a neutral conversation about cranberry sauce and the cranberry sauce being the symbol of everything wrong with that person!  Our expectations are the silent ninjas in our interactions, wreaking havoc on our peace of mind until we finally explode and cause real damage.

    Get clear on your expectations long before your gathering.  Then take them apart one-by-one until you have no expectations when you go.  This single step can change your entire experience–and everyone else’s–for the better!

  7. See the child in everyone.
    One of the magic games I play when I’m out in the world is to see the child. Whether it is a homeless person, the cashier, my colleague, the aggravating customer service rep, or the people closest to me at a holiday gathering…  When I see the child, I instantly have a deeper understanding of the person I am looking at.  This understanding can mean everything when we are confronting difficult relationship history, personality clashes, or people’s choices we don’t like.  Seeing the child in another opens our heart.  And from an understanding heart, we can find a way through even the most heartbreaking or frustrating moments in our holiday gatherings–and in life
  8. Connect beforehand.
    If there’s baggage and bad history with others you’re going to see, chances are good they are expecting conflicts.  If you reach out beforehand with simple positive texts, an email or two, or a quick little voice message that says you’re really looking forward to seeing them and hearing what they’ve been up to in their life, it can cause a subtle and crucial shift in expectations.  If you’re not afraid or upset about seeing them, it let’s a lot of pressure off the meeting, right?!

    “But I don’t feel that way, Carmell!  I can’t lie if that’s not how I feel.”  Of course.  So for myself, I have to practice forgiving our differences before I reach out.  When you forgive their differences, you make it ok for each of you to be exactly yourselves.  And a possible pathway forward to have a better experience is opened up.

    An important note:  This does not apply to situations where someone has violated you.  You cannot forgive differences when this has occurred.  A violation of our self is not the same as disagreeing on politics or someone not accepting another’s sexual orientation.  Instead, you should find what your healthiest boundary is–particularly if it is not attending at all–and honor that boundary for yourself.  Your first responsibility is to your own safety and peace.

  9. Plantime for yourself–and hold to it.
    I love this one!  It is a real game-changer.  When you go to a holiday gathering whether a few hours or a few days, plan time for just you.  When you know ahead of time that you are taking time for yourself while you’re in a situation that could be challenging for you, you have automatically given yourself a healthy boundary.  We can stay calmer, centered, clear-headed and good-humored when we pre-plan and then follow through with taking ourselves out of the situation, as planned, for periods of time.  This is a classic self-soothing technique, and it works like freaking magic.

    A lovely little side benefit I’ve found is that by taking that time for me, I automatically become an influence of calm, relaxed presence, fun, and careful listening for others–which makes the whole experience smoother for everyone!

  10. Be helpful where it’s needed!
    There’s a difference between nervous hovering and calm helping. Don’t be helpful to try to avoid conflict.  Rather, be helpful regardless of what the situations are.  When you are showing up to help in real ways, small frustrations can be allayed, allowing everyone to have a smoother experience.  For example, when I continually clean up the kitchen at my family reunions, the cleaner kitchen has a calming effect on all the family who are in and out of the kitchen making meals all day long.

    We can always watch and find ways to be helpful.  Sometimes it is taking the ‘problem person’ into personal conversation so that others can have the wonderful connected conversation they want to have.  Sometimes, it is being behind the scenes organizing so others feel more relaxed.  Sometimes, it’s running errands, or picking people up, or running a load of laundry, or seeing people warmly out the door so whoever’s hosting can do what they need to do.  Being helpful always creates a deeper calm, and opens more possibilities for real connection!

A last thought on this.  Everything I’ve listed in my Top 10 is based in being honest and authentic with ourselves, and practicing showing up from our hearts.  There have been a few times where I show with my best, and it’s just bad.  There’s no shifting the direction of the river.  And further, I’ve felt it undermining my own peace and sense of self.  You don’t need to stay. It’s always alright to quietly leave.  

Some “times” just aren’t our times.  Some groups just aren’t our groups.  Some situations just don’t fit us, and we know we would be better being with ourselves than in that spot.  Being honest and authentic with ourselves means honoring our own gut wisdom when something isn’t right for us, without creating a story around it.

So before everything gets crazy, get clear on what you want your holidays to be for you.  Describe them to yourself.  Then make each decision based on fulfilling that clarity.  Have the holiday moments and spaces that feed your soul in the best ways

“Hati… hati”

| LOCATION: in the garden at my bungalow in Amed, Bali overlooking the Java Sea |

“Slowly… slowly.”

They tell me this in Bahasa with careful caring eyes as I “jalan jalan”–journey.

It is significantly more work to cultivate and practice simplicity than it is to “acquire and fill up” our time and space.

Simplicity requires slowing down.

When I came to Amed last year, I was healing the intensity of a powerhouse year. It worked wonderfully.

I make a practice in my life of “not going back,” though.

So as I came to Amed today, I had wondered all along why I was coming again to where I’d already been.

Met by the staff at my bungalow with the love and greeting of long-missed family, and frangipani flowers arrayed on my bed in a giant fragrant yellow heart with pink blossoms spelling Welcome in the middle. I was awash with joy in their bursting smiles.

It was a few hours later that I felt… what?

Sitting on the crisp white sheets now, careful to not disturb the sweet flower heart that takes up half the bed, I stare out into the garden, sounds of geckos and frogs calling in the early evening. It is the deep quiet that catches me. Without trying, everything has slowed. I’ve slowed. Sitting amidst the simple life not fixated on squaring every corner, fixing every pothole, or enforcing mosquito-free zones.

Even the wifi is down tonight, reassuring me that life is securely beyond my control as always, and it is time to Let Go, Carmell.

I get the clear sense in only a few hours here, that I have not come back, but rather returned after my initiation.

I am ready for a deeper silence this time. A measured clarity of my life as it is now. Being schooled in balance and discipline between the water that flows over and through every part of life here, and the lava running a constant fire beneath my feet from the moment I stepped foot on this island.

I’m right here.

#lifeschool
#everyoneknowsBalidecideswhetheryoustayorgo
#Iamherefornow
#simplicity

Relocation

| LOCATION: Lying on a bench in the Starbuck’s in Chiangi Singapore Airport waiting for 7 am |

As I prepared to be out of the country again for several months with the loosest of plans, I kept feeling the pull to stay home.

“Your bed is SO comfortable… It’s the only thing you miss when you’re gone.”

Or the little half-thoughts, “There’s so much to do with your company. So much easier to stay on track if you’re just here instead.”

“Cozy……”

“How much less stressful will it be–no packing!! Everything you need already right here. No getting ready to sublet. You’re right at the crunch-time of your rebrand, you could just wait–“

“How many hours of flying?!!”

A dear friend said last week, Carmell, you’re living the life so many want to live. And I asked him, Really?!

The truth is, every great kind of life requires sacrifice of some sort. And from what I’ve learned, that ALWAYS includes sacrificing comfort.

From the outside, our life may look like business as usual or it may appear glamorous, but if it is something great, you will find sacrifice in it.

I don’t use this word lightly. I’m not a martyr or a victim.

I choose in.

It took only 7 hours into my 30 hours of flying–I was somewhere over the North Pacific toward Russia–that I felt the shift. The return of my hard-won love affair with Relocation.

Leaving where I am for something new again, struggles and challenges in the simplest daily needs, wonder and creativity off the charts. The anxiety (and exhilaration) of not knowing.

I write this as I made it by minutes onto my Tokyo–Singapore leg, then spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the Starbucks sofa from 1:30-4:30 am waiting to check in for my 7 am flight. Last leg 😉

We all long for home. But that’s not the same as comfort. And confusing those two might keep us comfortably stranded on a tiny familiar island for years or decades, dreaming and never doing.

#adventuroussoul
#relocation
#agreatliferequiressacrificingcomfort
#lifeartist

Detour

| LOCATION: My cozy flat in the Lower Avenues, Salt Lake City, Utah, USA |

I just got a voice text from my dear client and friend on the road who hit I-15 closures out of St George, Utah on her way to Thanksgiving the next day. Taking the detour and backtracking, she messaged me with tears running down her face as this literal detour brought her to the very edge of her frustration with the loneliness and detours of her life.

My heart broke because I know this place. I wrote her back:

Darling…

Be soft and sweet and gentle with yourself. Life is detours.

Maybe we need a different word so that we don’t keep thinking that we are off-track. As painful as it feels, you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and the resistance you feel inside to that–to being exactly where you are right now

–comes from your heart hurting, being heartbroken.

The only thing to do is to go down into that beautiful heart of yours and be soft and gentle and sweet with her.

Listen to her, hold her, and understand her. She knows that you are on the right track. And she knows your desires because your heart is where those desires come from.

It’s in the places of total unknowing, and being with the sadness and loneliness, that you truly trust the path that you’re on and… open in REAL un-resistance to the future that fills all your heart is longing for.

Something in you knows better than what you think you know.

And when that something takes the driver’s seat, it usually looks like detours.

Trust yourself, trust life with your whole heart. Let the tears come and let go and trust. It will be better than you could ever imagine

…surprising and thrilling you just like it has before.

#trustyourheart
#detour
#itsexactlyright

A Year That Answered

| LOCATION: Alive and happy on the corner of 3rd and N Street |

Six years ago.

Moments like this saved my life. It’s a simple picture with the biggest loss of my life happening like a raging underground river barely beneath a very thin surface.

We think we know who we are, what we are doing, where we are heading…

But what we know is just the safe zone we call “right now.” We can pretend we are one thing. We can try valiantly to remain who we think we are. We can be so clear on where our life is taking us or where we want to go.

We are not a book to read the same stories out of to ourselves at bedtime. Even our history changes as we change.

The truth is, life is a mystery living itself out from inside our bodies and souls. Simultaneously heartbreaking and exultant, the victor and the loser.

We are all blind authors.

Zora Neale Hurston wrote, “There are years that ask questions, and years that answer.”

Rilke wrote, “Learn to love the questions, and live them…perhaps someday you will find yourself living into the answers”

I love the woman named Carmell sitting here in this sunny Sunday morning bed, and looking back at my own tragedy beneath the surface of six interminably short years.

I am sure that is an answer.

Kindness Never Runs Late

| LOCATION: Sitting in utter relief waiting for United Flight 632 at? |

Arrived just in time at JFK, looking for the United terminal…

There is no United terminal at JFK.

But there is at LaGuardia.

A terrified and frantic taxi ride later, I checked in one minute late to get my bag on the plane… And they said Yes!!

I am thanking God and the universe and all the powers that be for my beautiful, steel – nerved taxi driver with his old big band music playing, and the crisp New York air, and my total trust as he wove us expertly through New York rush hour traffic and pulled up at 5:05 on the dot ❤️🙏🏽😅

I want to mention that as we were stopped at a light waiting, a homeless man with a sign saying he was hungry, was standing to the side. My driver silently rolled down his window, picked up the tied bag of carry-out food ready for his own meal, and waving the man over, handed it to him with a smile and well wishes. My heart was too full for words.

I thought as we waited for light after light to change, I wouldn’t have missed that moment. The same deep effort at life he was putting into getting me to LaGuardia was what he quietly offered to the man on the sidewalk in the midst of our rush.

Thank you to the United check-in duo who got me in and through instantly! I said to her as I ran for security, “That is a ONE-TIME mistake. Period.”

We laughed!

#relief
#onmyway
#adventurousself

The Truth of Who We Are

| LOCATION: Nashville Airport staring out at the most beautiful Southern sky |

I’m sitting in the airport in Nashville having just completed an intense 3-week rollercoaster of business failures and successes, amazing relationships and connections with people, training and coaching from my core genius more than ever before, and… reflection with myself.

I watch so many people I meet struggling in a certain relationship or life circumstance—struggling to be present in their lives. I’ve sat talking for longer with so many because we are all giving so much to life… and at times that giving can be heartbreaking.

I’ve asked myself, why do we find it so hard to let go? Why do we resist moving down into our hearts, and trusting–ourselves, other people or Life itself–in those crucial moments? Why do we stay locked into the tight cages of our comfort zones when what we most long for is to be free?

I’ve gotten the reputation from so many of you who have coached with me or simply conversed, of causing people to cry 😉 I will own that even though I don’t try to make that happen. Yet it does. And as I sit here in Nashville today waiting to board my plane, I’ve begun to try to put words to why tears come when we connect.

I believe it’s because I love you so much. You know you don’t have to BE anything—just yourself, finally. In your eyes, I see that undaunted beautiful soul figuring him/herself out like I am. Like we all are.

So why does this cause us to cry together sometimes? I know it is because you are seen, appreciated for simply being, understood as magnificent, and finally because all BS is ripped away. No excuses. No hiding. No playing small. Just the real stuff. The stuff that matters between us. The truth of who we really are that words can never fully express.

That truth whispers, “…Life is happening RIGHT NOW!” Getting hung up, resistant, untrusting, dissatisfied in our comfortableness is trying to stay far away from the raw joy and sometimes the pain of being fully alive right now, nothing held back.

I feel the incredible men who are secretly afraid they are not enough. They love so much and work so hard for those they love, yet feel so distant from the moments of love that connect them to those they are wholly committed to.

I ache for the powerful women who give and give every minute of the day to make life work better for everyone, yet who can’t feel the deep truth of peace in themselves—who are afraid what they give won’t be enough for the happiness and thriving of those they love.

So when we talk, I feel this. And I know the truth. Gently, I expect you to stop, to listen to your own heart, and to know the same. I know that life is simultaneously intensely joyful, beautiful and grateful,… and heartbreaking—if we’re really honest.

That relief brings tears.

Cynicism, anger and fear shut the heart off from the brain. My first mentor said to me nearly 2 decades ago, “Tears are sacred.” She said this to the woman (me) who had resisted crying for so long believing it was weakness.
It is not. It is honesty. It is an open heart. It is sacred.

It took me awhile to stop being afraid of my own tears, but once I did, I found a paradoxical gift. I could sit with others and truly see them—in their most secret hopes as much as their deepest despair or shame. And not be afraid.

I thank you for who you are, for your truth, and the honesty of your tears. May you be free. May you be blessed.